the soul is a ragged thing

the first time I hurt myself enough to bleed
I did it in the shower.
I had missed rehearsal because I thought it was on the wrong day
it was one of only two rehearsals we would have –
I did it because I thought I deserved it
I did it because it made the pain in my head turn into the pain in my arm
and at least the pain in my arm didn’t make me want to kill myself
I didn’t do it because it made me feel better
it didn’t make me feel better
it just made me feel emptier
but being empty is better than being alone with myself.

I know how to deal with emptiness
I can face the void even on days I can’t face the mirror –
the void and I are well acquainted
we are an unrequited love story or better yet, a love triangle
everything you didn’t want to see in a young adult novel
me and the void and being a functional human being
which one will she pick?
stay tuned for the next episode!

my life is like a tv show that used to be pretty good
but now the writers are screwing the fans over
with terrible characterization and queerbaiting and overdone plot lines
and they really should have wrapped it up
like three seasons ago,
looking at you, supernatural,
but they didn’t
and I’m still here
and the fans aren’t watching the show anymore
not that I blame them –
lethargic self-annihilation is less interesting
than witty comebacks and emotions that make sense

the first time I hurt myself enough to bleed
it took ten days to fully heal.
I didn’t shower for ten days.
it took that long for skin to grow over the absence I left
it took that long for that patch of me to become reborn –
do you believe in reincarnation
scientists say that every single cell in our skeleton
gets replaced every seven years.
I am not the girl I was seven years ago
our backbones are not the same and the cage around my heart is changed
I think the girl I was seven years ago would not be proud
of the girl I am today
I think she would be sad and try to save me
because that’s what I do
and I’d tell myself I don’t need saving
because that’s also what I do
maybe I should start doing different things and put these new bones
to new uses because clearly this old path is going to lead me
right off a bridge and I don’t know if I want to fall
but mostly I am floating,
floating right off of planet earth so untethered it’s terrifying –
where did my ground go
where did my hot-air balloon rope go
is it around my neck and I just can’t see it
is it around my neck and I just can’t see it
someone please tell me if I am okay

the first time I hurt myself enough to bleed
it felt like peace
someone please tell me
is the war worth it –

By K. Valerie

Biography:

K. Valerie is an undergraduate working on graduating in three years with a double major in biology and economics and a minor in political science. Despite this, she still has some free time and while it lasts she takes naps, plays violin, and argues with politicians on TV. She writes poetry to help her figure out what her truth is. Her writing blog is an-agnorisis.tumblr.com