Ode to the Dead Girl (Surviving An Eating Disorder in Eight Parts)

After Blythe Baird’s “When the Fat Girl Gets Skinny
I.
It was the year
you didn’t eat your grandmother’s christmas candy
and searched your sister’s bedroom
for diet pills
instead of vodka,
the year of smoking cigarettes in the kitchen
because besides your body,
it was the only place
you ever wanted to burn.

II.
Here’s to the year of birthday cake
flushed down the toilet.
Here’s to apologizing to your mother
for leaving your dinner
on the stove.
(Here’s to thanking her
for acting like
she didn’t know.)

III.
It was the year you counted ribs
like some girls count sheep,
dreamt about never waking up
on the nights your bruised body
let you sleep.

IV.
Here’s to the year you broke
every mirror in the house.
Remember how good that felt —
to not be seen,
to finally have turned yourself
into a ghost.
They say people only care
when you’re pretty
or dying
but what happens
when you are
both?

V.
You practice fitting in your coffin
by shrinking yourself down
and you wonder how many
calories you’d burn
by running to the nearest bridge
and jumping,
counting how long it’d
take to drown.

VI.
You think, sick girl.
You think, I could
get used to this.
And you do.
Think, sorry.
To my knuckles,
to my stomach,
to my body.

VII.
Say sorry to your heart
that feels like it’s shrunk,
for telling yourself
too little
is too much,
for the calculator
in your head
that never shuts off,
for taking 18 years too long
to learn to love the things
you are.

VIII.
So here’s to the year of
forgiving the girl that
you were.

Here’s to the year
of burying her.

By Lindsey H.

Biography:

Lindsey H is an 18 year old New York girl that doesn’t write, but survives.