Never Knew He Wanted

he picked up another bottle
only the first of the weekend which
I knew would be drained by the end
of the day, ready for another, ready to
inhale and consume the way
he took apart my heart and ate it whole
drank it in bits, in rough sips the way
he downed the alcohol
never even noticed how
my heart cried every time I saw
his eyes grow bloodshot and his mouth
hang slack; how I yearned for nothing more
than to have his love and hear him say
he loved me
I stayed because I knew he did
in his own way – he told me he
couldn’t stand to be abandoned
after his dad abandoned him that day
he told me over and over, after
the alcohol had gone to his head
sometimes he was angry and others
he was sad, the way he always got before
reliving that day when he lost it all
I allowed him to destroy me too
thinking I deserved it, promising I would
never abandon him, but in the end I did,
in the end it was self-preservation
after becoming a lemon in his cocktail
something for him to suck on then toss aside
nothing more than small satisfaction
when he wanted it, never in gentleness
always rough, how he took me
and I will never forget the night, it was
the new year, that was when it sealed
inside me –drunk before midnight struck
he didn’t even recognize me
when I moved to dance beside him…
when we finally made it home
I was so angry, I wanted him to see
instead of looking at me so blankly,
blank stare took me by the throat
in one thick hand, choked the air right
from my windpipe and I thought
this is it, this may be how I die
tossed me to the ground like a rag doll
and that’s all I ever was in his hands –
pliable. Rags. Nothing.
I used to think I was special –
how stupidly ignorant of me
nobody could be special unless
they gave him what he sought
filled a hole that was unable
to be filled and promised him
a forever he never knew
he wanted.

By Tianna G. Hansen

Biography:

Tianna G. Hansen has spent her whole life writing and intends to continue this with her recent husband by her side and her wonderful cat Stella. She started her own indie lit mag in June, Rhythm & Bones, and has continued expanding with the most recent project an anthology for survivors of sexual abuse to come forward and share their stories. Follow her work at CreativeTianna.com or check out her mag at RhythmNBone.com. She’s also on Twitter @Tiannag92.